Through the melting glass panes she watched the dark torrents silencing the field, her skin prickling with anticipation, her hands were cold, frighteningly cold, and clammy, and she kept watching, the vengeful clouds holding something back, she knew it, she was waiting for it, wanting it, dreading it, she was expecting it, she knew she—
CRASH
and she gasped, not because of the sound—she was deaf—but because the sudden attack of light almost made her hear it.
1 comment:
oooo. I like.
Which I know isn't the kind of comments you were looking for so I will be more constructive...
The way that you insert the lightning bolt in the middle of the sentence is really effective, because it is true to life. You never know when it's going to strike.
And I also liked how you interjected the fact that she was deaf. It makes the lightning more of a visceral reaction to the reader.
I guess by way of improvement, finish the story? does she wait out the storm? does she become more or less afraid of the "sudden attack of light" does she learn something about herself or the world at the end?
Anyways, I am excited for more stuff from you. I promise
I won't comment on all of them, too.
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